Growing Up Systemically: Recognizing and Moving Beyond Childhood Patterns

The stages outlined below describe common childhood mindsets that persist into adulthood when emotional development is incomplete. Each stage reflects a particular relationship to responsibility, power, and hierarchy. By recognizing where we are stuck, we can stop reenacting old survival roles and begin the real work of growing up—taking full responsibility for our inner world and allowing life to meet us with support, clarity, and flow rather than resistance.

Infant: “I Can’t” (0–3 years)

• Total dependence on caregivers for basic needs

• Emotional or financial reliance on parents, partners, or others

• Naivety and lack of personal responsibility

• Unclear sense of self

• Low self-esteem and feelings of helplessness

• Victim mindset

• Overreliance on guidance from others

• Struggles with independence and decision-making

Early Childhood: “I Can Do It Myself” (3–6 years)

• Difficulty trusting others

• Strong need to control situations

• Challenges with delegation

• Trouble relaxing; life feels hard

• Resistance to going with the flow

• Micromanaging behavior

• Hesitancy to ask for help

• Impatience with others

• Reluctance to follow rules

• Preference for doing everything alone

• Anxiety about making mistakes

• Perfectionism and high self-expectations

Middle Childhood: “I Want to Be Good” (6–12 years)

• Low confidence and self-esteem

• People-pleasing tendencies

• Difficulty setting boundaries

• Overprioritizing others’ needs

• Seeking constant validation, approval, or praise

• Avoidance of conflict

• Trouble asserting opinions or desires

• Difficulty recognizing personal achievements

• Challenges with independent decision-making

Teenager: “I Disagree” (12–16 years)

• Frequent arguments and oppositional behavior

• Resistance to rules and authority

• Desire to prove oneself

• Challenges societal or familial expectations

• Conflict and defensiveness

• Rebellious attitudes

• Impulsiveness and risk-taking

• Testing boundaries with peers and adults

• Difficulty compromising

• Emotional outbursts

Early Adolescence: “I Will Change Them” (16–18 years)

• Desire to influence or “fix” others

• Egocentric or overconfident attitudes

• Belief that “I know better”

• Competitiveness and argumentative behavior

• Feelings of superiority

• Manipulative tendencies

• Need for control

• Difficulty accepting others’ opinions

• Tendency to dominate interactions

• Compulsion to prove oneself right