Order of Belonging and Exclusion: A Systemic Perspective

From a systemic perspective, every person has a rightful place in their family and social system. Honoring this natural order—recognizing our position relative to parents, elders, leaders, and peers—allows resources, opportunities, and support to flow naturally. When this order is violated, life responds with resistance, conflict, or scarcity.

Exclusion is one of the most disruptive forces in any system.

1. Exclusion in the Family

In families, exclusion occurs when a member is ignored, rejected, forgotten, or denied their rightful place. This can happen due to divorce, adoption, shame, conflict, addiction, illness, or socially taboo situations (e.g., a family member who is incarcerated, has a mental illness, or is “different” in some way).

Examples of exclusion leading to repeating patterns:

• Children of divorced parents who are subtly or overtly blamed for the separation may unconsciously repeat conflict or struggle in their own relationships.

• A sibling who is less successful or has challenges may be overlooked, creating feelings of inadequacy or resentment that ripple across generations.

• Secrets in the family (hidden affairs, unacknowledged adoptions, or past traumas) often surface indirectly through conflicts, illness, or addiction in descendants.

• Favoring one child over another can create rivalry, jealousy, and long-term relational dysfunction.

• Excluding a family member due to “shame” or societal norms—for example, an unmarried parent, a disabled child, or a relative with criminal history—can lead future generations to unconsciously carry the excluded person’s struggles or mimic similar dynamics in their own lives.

In each case, the family system attempts to “balance” the exclusion, often through repeating patterns of struggle, conflict, or suffering until the excluded member is recognized and reintegrated symbolically or emotionally.

2. Exclusion in Life in General

Exclusion also occurs outside the family, in workplaces, communities, social circles, or society at large. People or groups may be ignored, marginalized, or rejected based on social class, ethnicity, gender, beliefs, education, wealth, or perceived status.

Examples of systemic exclusion in life:

• Class or socioeconomic exclusion: Avoiding friendships, relationships, or partnerships with people from “lower” or “different” social classes.

• Workplace exclusion: Ignoring contributions of certain colleagues, undervaluing less experienced staff, or denying roles to women or minority groups.

• Cultural or racial exclusion: Preferring people only from your own cultural, ethnic, or religious group, leading to systemic bias or conflict.

• Educational elitism: Judging or excluding people based on degrees, school attended, or perceived intelligence.

• Cliques or social circles: Marginalizing individuals who do not conform to group norms, leading to isolation or self-exclusion.

When we exclude others—or ourselves—from belonging in life, we create tension, blockage, and repeated negative patterns. Life responds with challenges, scarcity, or relational conflict until the system is rebalanced through acknowledgment, inclusion, or reconciliation.

Key Insight

Systemically, both family and life operate on the principle of inclusion and rightful belonging. Recognizing and accepting all members—regardless of status, behavior, or differences—prevents repeating negative cycles, restores the flow of resources and opportunities, and supports emotional maturity, responsibility, and harmony in relationships.